Raw is War
June 26, 2006
By Louie Dee
June 26, 2006
There’s an old expression that says…well, “S**t Happens.” On RAW, it happened alright; thanks to DX, it happened all over Mr. McMahon, his son Shane and the Spirit Squad.
DX were scheduled to take on Shane & Mr. McMahon, and before the match the McMahon men said that they would “beat the crap” out of DX. However, the match never even took place; and as for DX’s crap, well, it ended up all over the Chairman and his associates.
When the match was set to begin, Mr. McMahon’s music hit; but instead of the Chairman, Triple H came out dressed as such. The Game cleared up any rumors about Mr. McMahon, insinuating that he didn’t like cocks, but in fact it was Dicks. You know, Dick Ebersol, Dick Cheney, Dick Clark and the like. When he threatened to fire anyone who got between him and his Dicks, HBK came out to Shane-o-Mac’s music; Michaels was even dressed like the younger McMahon, complete with Shane-o-Mac jersey.
The “product of Mr. McMahon’s semen” showcased his dancing skills, which brought The Game to put a halt to the proceedings. Having to top HBK, The Game rolled a clip on the TitanTron of Mr. McMahon singing “Stand Back” at the 1987 Slammy Awards! The degenerates danced to the classic tune until finally the Chairman’s music hit once again.
As the McMahons threatened DX with baseball bats, they introduced the “observers” who would watch the match. Of course, it was the Spirit Squad. But as Mr. McMahon told DX what was in store for them, he noticed a Porta-Potty sitting on the stage. When the poor WWE Chairman inquired what it was for, Triple H told him that it was there because he was full of crap.
And then the heavens opened. In a scene that would make even the worst offenders cringe, the McMahons and the Spirit Squad were covered in crap! Yes, actual human waste. If you thought the green paint last week was bad, well, go find one of the McMahons and tell him that. DX was left standing tall, once again getting the best of Mr. McMahon and his band of henchmen.
Moving onto less messy matters, the WWE Championship was on the line in the main event of RAW when Rob Van Dam defended his gold against John Cena. The match was made last night at Vengeance, and earlier in the night on RAW, Edge expressed his displeasure about Cena’s opportunity to regain the gold.
Interrupting Torrie Wilson’s WWE Summer Special Magazine cover unveiling, Edge said he was the MVP on RAW, and that he was the one who should be on magazine covers and receiving WWE Championship opportunities. Since he couldn’t get what he wanted however, he decided that he would “get the hell off of RAW.” Edge & Lita then left through the crowd and exited the arena, leaving behind the “joke” that was RAW. Unfortunately, the joke would end up being on Cena and Van Dam later in the night.
Cena and Van Dam threw everything they had at each other, and late in the match it looked like RVD was ready to put the challenger away. However, Cena rolled away from a Five Star Frog Splash attempt, and after blocking Rolling Thunder by using his knees, Cena looked poised to reclaim the gold. He nailed RVD with an FU and locked him in the STFU, but just as the champion looked to tap out, Edge ran in and attacked both men. After nailing Cena with the Edgecution DDT and spearing RVD, the Rated-R Superstar told the WWE Champion that he would “see him tomorrow night.” If what Edge meant what I think he did, that means that the Rated-R Superstar will be showing up on ECW on Sci Fi to confront the champion.
Speaking of champions, the Women’s Championship was on the line on RAW as well. In her first match back after missing two months with a shoulder injury, Trish Stratus challenged Mickie James for the gold. Trish fought valiantly, but unfortunately couldn’t get the job done, as Mickie nailed her with a DDT to get the pinfall and retain the gold.
After the match, however, Melina led new Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro to the ring. Melina told Trish that while the six-time Women’s Champion may have been the top WWE Diva at one point, that title now belonged to her. This enraged Trish, who attacked Melina. Unfortunately, Nitro grabbed Trish and it looked like a two-on-one attack would occur until Carlito ran out from the back to help Trish by running them off.
Later, Trish caught up to Carlito in the back and thanked him, but Carlito went off on a rant about Nitro stealing his victory at Vengeance. When he finally realized what was happening, however, Carlito told Trish it was no problem. A smiling Trish then referenced Carlito’s “Do You Spit or Swallow?” shirt and whispered something in his ear. Carlito’s response? “Now THAT’S cool!” Now, I don’t know what she said, but if my assumption is correct, I may have to get me one of those T-shirts.
The saga between Kane and his impostor also continued on RAW. The Big Red Monster took on Randy Orton, and as it looked like he was going to finish off the Legend Killer, the impostor made his way to the ring. Kane tried to attack both of them, but unfortunately fell victim to an RKO that gave Orton the victory.
After the match, impostor Kane tried to attack, but the Big Red Monster. He basically destroyed the doppelganger, giving him two chokeslams in the ring before the impostor ran away. After one more chokeslam on the stage, Kane dragged the impostor through the backstage area. As they reached a back door, the Big Red Monster ripped off the impostor’s mask, saying “I believe that this is mine!” Kane then threw him out the door, but not before it was revealed that the impostor was bald like the Big Red Monster.
Also, the Charlie Haas/Viscera/Lilian Garcia love triangle continued to simmer, which worked out in the favor of Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch. As Viscera & Val Venis took on Cade & Murdoch, Haas made his way to ringside and began to talk to Lilian. Lilian seemed disgusted, but the worst was yet to come. As Viscera was dominating in the ring, Haas began to rub her shoulders before finally kissing her. That distracted Vis long enough for the former World Tag Team Champions to do a little high/low action on big man. They nailed their old Sweet and Sour signature move to get the pinfall, and an angry Vis was left in the ring to stew about the whole situation. This also happened to be Val’s first match on RAW since injuring his elbow nearly three months ago; as you can tell it was a tough night for the returnees.
Ric Flair also made an appearance on RAW, appearing via satellite from his home in Charlotte. His specific point of interest was Mick Foley, and Flair lambasted the Hardcore Legend for his actions at Vengeance.
“Last night, you proved that everything in my book is true,” Flair screamed. “You’re a glorified stuntman who takes the easy way out.”
Later, Flair added that Foley “knows nothing about wrestling,” and that “the next time I see you, the glorified stuntman will be mine all night long. WHOO!”
And in one other toilet humor moment, another video showcasing the Highlanders was seen on RAW. Rory McAllister and his cousin Robbie were in a bathroom this time, and the Scottish pair was mesmerized by a urinal. You can pretty much guess what happened next, but to make a long story short, the Highlanders will make their debut next week on RAW. If they’re as entertaining in the ring as they have been in their preview videos, then you can count me in as the first man aboard their bandwagon.
Women's Champion Mickie James def. Trish Stratus
Umaga def. Kamala
Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch def. Val Venis & Viscera
Randy Orton def. Kane
WWE Champion Rob Van Dam vs. John Cena (No Contest)