January 11, 2010
results thanks to wrestleview.com
Mike Tyson comes out and
he’s looking to the left and the right all nervous. He’ll probably bite me.
Anyways a video of 1998 airs and we get our token REMEMBER WHEN THAT HAPPENED~
moment for the evening.
Tyson is in the ring saying ‘yeah’ and then WWE Champion Sheamus’ music hits and Tyson is in the ring with the whitest guy he’s ever faced since Gerry Cooney. Sheamus is jaw jacking and Tyson isn’t excited, so he and Tyson get in each other’s faces quickly before Randy Orton’s music hits. Nothing like a little therapy to kick to the show off with. Orton’s got butthurt because he wants to be a champion again and demands to be made #1 contender.
John Cena comes out to the ring like he’s stopping off at the bar after a long night of plowing drive ways. He says he’s beaten everyone so he has no idea why everyone’s laying claim to the title. Kofi Kingston is out there to obviously get some big time rub. He complains about DAGLASSCEILING~ and it’s a whine-fest. Sheamus even hates wrestling so much he wants to skip the Rumble. With these women, who can blame him. Tyson says ‘no’ in the interest of making money off a pay per view buy. We’ll have a triple threat tonight to decide the #1 contender.
Kelly Kelly vs. Alicia Foxx
It’s the Divas tournament. Kelly looks like a shitty 80’s shag carpet. Alicia looks like a powder puff. Alicia has some nifty strikes and uncorks some in the early going. Kelly does a good learning leap frog and a crazy cross body to the floor. Kelly brings some kicks of her own before going for her tilt a whirl thingy. She goes for another one and gets her neck shattered with a big power bomb. When will the girls in this division stop trying to do crappy Indy counters they’re not athletic enough to pull off? Alicia wins, which is probably a good thing.
Winner: Alicia via pin fall
John Cena was at the Fiesta Bowl. In case you missed it that is….
Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase are in the ring talking about how not good Ted’s movie is. Ted says he’ll with the Rumble.
Legacy vs. Evan Bourne & Mark Henry
Good little match here. Bourne is a fantastic baby face in peril. He does a lot of little things great, but especially selling those points of impact. Sells the back when he lands on it. Sells the back AND the shoulder when he gets dropped kick. He exerts pain and it makes things that much easier to get into. Rhodes and Dibiase are no slouches here, either, and have lots of extra-special ways to make their double teams and rest holds look extra special hurty. Henry’s hot tag is awesome with the clotheslines and military press even though the crowd’s not really into it. Bourne takes a revolting bump on the Cody Rhodes finisher and kids, that’s a good little tag match.
Winners: The Legacy via pin fall
Shawn Michaels obviously thinks he’s Barrack Obama because he’s on a giant apology tour. This week, he’s going to apologize to Mike Tyson. HBK says Tyson, like him, is a changed man. We’ll see.
Michaels and Tyson aren’t doing so hot at making up. Jericho walks in and apparently him and Tyson are long-lost buddies because they’re held down by the man. It’s going to be Jericho and TYSON~ vs. DX in a match. This should be pretty awesome.
A video putting over Bret Hart’s return to Raw aired. We’re still apologizing for being ‘us’.
Swaggger’s running around like an idiot and he says he’s winning the Rumble. He sounds like a drunk Steve Brule. He says there isn’t anyone who can throw him over the top rope. Santino’s music hits which means he disagrees.
Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella
So Santino’s got some swank Dusty jabs. He quickly crashes and burns though, and Swagger goes to toss him out, but Santino hangs on and Swagger spills to the floor. Apparently this was an over-the-top-rope match. No explanation apparently beforehand. How TNA of WWE.
Winner: Santino Marella
#1 Contender’s Match
Randy Orton vs. John Cena vs. Kofi Kingston
The ‘Cena sucks’ crowd’s there. They’re not seeing MOVEZ~ so they’re unhappy. Please die.
Cena and Kofi plant Orton outside after some double teams. Cena and Kofi tease and EPICOMG showdown before Sheamus distracts them long enough for Orton to jump both. Kudos to not taking the myopic Triple threat formula.
Orton DRILLS Cena with a great looking DDT. While he’s mid-load blow, Kofi hits a cross body. After about a minute, Cena’s back into the match. He slaps an STF while Kofi’s dancing like an A-hole and this is funny. One guy gets an advantage, does some nutty celebration and some other guy saves them. Cena stars slapping Orton around and looks for an FU only for Kofi to intervene. Kofi hits an awful lariat and then a trouble in paradise. The Legacy shows up and it’s interference central. Orton hits a freaking jaw-dropping RKO on Kingston and that’s it.
Winner: Randy Orton via pin fall
Wow, Randy-Sheamus should be interesting.
Mike Tyson tells Hornswoggle he’s going to jump rope with his intestines. I’m a fan.
The Miz doesn’t like bullying. Apparently everyone’s a jerk. He cuts a phenomenal promo outlining what makes him, well… him. MVP comes out and cuts an awesome promo about being a guy locked up without sounding too exploitive. Great stuff and great scuffle after the show. Who’d have thought? A promo that makes me want to see a match.
Eve vs. Katie Lea
We get another match with the girls rolling around on the mat. Eve’s got great baby face charisma and IMO, she’ll make a pretty decent worker someday, but it’s still not there. Katie Lea has got to stop dressing like an idiot. Someone give this chick a gimmick. Eve wins by roll up and then makes funny faces with Maryse.
Winner: Eve via pin fall
Vince comes out and cuts another promo on Bret Hart butthurt.
Tyson is practicing in the back.
DX vs. Mike Tyson & Chris Jericho
Tyson and HBK start things off. Tyson bullies HBK around before Triple H comes in and gets powered around as well. No knockout shots or anything but smart use to protect Tyson and make him look good early in. Jericho comes in and everything looks a little more fluid. Jericho and Michaels have some fun back and forth before Hornswoggle comes out and distracts everyone. HHH and Michaels protect the little guy while Jericho tells them not to mess because he’s got the baddest man in the planet with him. Tyson removes his shirt to reveal a DX T-shirt and KO’s Jericho so Michaels can make the pin.
Winners: DX via pin fall
After the match Tyson’s son is brought into the ring by Triple H and everyone gives a big crotch chop. Fun, if uneventful way to end the show.